We’re told not to judge.

It sounds so virtuous, doesn’t it? As if being free of judgment makes us kinder, more spiritual, more evolved. And yet—in my work with clients, and in my own life—I’ve found something different:

Judgment, when we meet it honestly, can be a doorway into healing.

Not because it’s “good” or “bad,” but because it reveals something hidden inside of us—something we’ve disowned, denied, or pushed away.

When Judging Goes Underground

You judge. I judge. We all do.
But many of us were taught that judging is “bad,” so we pretend we don’t.

We push it underground, where it grows sharp edges and slips out sideways:

• Making “harmless” jokes that carry a bite.

• Over-helping someone you secretly feel superior to.

• Venting under the guise of “concern.”

• Feeling irritated when someone brags—then responding with false humility.

It isn’t the judgment itself that drains us.
It’s the energy it takes to hide it from ourselves.

When you exile your judgments, you split off from your truth. You tighten. You perform. And deep down, you feel off—as though something inside you is quietly out of place.

Our Own Tangled Mirror

Years ago, I couldn’t stand this one woman.

Every time I saw her name in my inbox, my stomach turned. I felt disgusted—for no logical reason. Even my husband noticed and teased, “What is it about her?”

Logically, she was just another person in my field. But emotionally, it was visceral.

So instead of pretending I didn’t feel it, I let myself judge—fully. I wrote down every thought I had about her. The ugliest ones. The ones I’d never say out loud. And when I came back to those words, something clicked.

I had written: She acts so confident, but she’s deeply insecure.

And there it was.
So was I.

She reminded me of the insecure inner child I was always trying to outrun. I despised her because she mirrored back a part of me I had tried to bury.

Once I saw it, I could soften. I could tend to that part of me, instead of wasting energy fighting her off.

That moment changed everything.

Judgment Isn’t the Problem. Hiding It Is.

What if, instead of pretending you don’t judge, you got curious?

What if judgment became a mirror—
not to shame you, but to reveal something asking for your attention?

Because here’s the truth:
💡 You don’t need to feel bad about judging others.
💡 You need to learn how to listen to it.

When you do, something shifts:
You reclaim energy.
You reclaim wholeness.
You reclaim you.

Try This: Write It Out—Then Get Curious

Next time judgment flares:

Step 1: Write it all down.
Every sharp, ugly, righteous thought. No editing. No polishing. No spiritual bypassing. (Remember: no one will read this but you.)

Step 2: Take a break.
Walk away. Let your nervous system settle. Come back with softer eyes.

Step 3: Get curious. Ask yourself…

• What part of me feels threatened by this person?

• Was I ever punished for being like this?

• Have I worked hard to be the opposite of what I’m judging?

• Is this a shadow part of me I’ve disowned?

• What might I need to feel more whole here?

This isn’t about excusing harmful behavior or pretending judgment doesn’t sting. It’s about turning your gaze inward—where the deeper healing lives.

Final Thought: Returning to Wholeness

Judgment isn’t your enemy. Self-betrayal is.

When you hide what you feel from yourself, you lose access to truth. To growth. To wholeness.

But when you meet your judgments with curiosity, you create space for something sacred: integration.

And integration isn’t about becoming perfect. It’s about becoming real.

The parts you’ve disowned can return home. The places you’ve hardened can soften. The energy you’ve spent resisting can be reclaimed for living.

So the next time judgment rises, pause. Write it down. Breathe. And listen.

Not to fix. Not to shame. But to remember: every judgment carries a hidden invitation to come back to yourself.

With Steadiness,
Carolyn Kubena